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  “OK…” Ah! He was hesitant. He couldn’t explain that!

  “It gets better. I went to his building. It is a squat.”

  He stayed silent.

  “There was a cafe in front, both in the dream and in reality. I stayed there all evening looking at the people coming in and out. I recognized one of them. I had asked him which floor Dad lived, in the dream. He lives there. I talked to him.”

  Still silent.

  “He doesn’t remember me though. Neither does the shop clerk.”

  Still nothing.

  “Doctor, are you still there?”

  “Yes Eeva. I am. And I am left again with no other explanation than that you are lying.” Her heart turned to ice suddenly. She heard a long sigh. “But I won’t make the same mistake twice. Can you come over now?”

  “Already in the tram. Be there in twenty.” Yes!

  * * *

  “I’ve done a bit of thinking in the tram. An idea I got when I saw how Dream-Dad had reacted to me in the dream. Remember how Real-Dad ran away as soon as he saw me? He didn’t even try to pretend he thought it was a joke. I think he recognised me. Even before I told him.”

  “Hold on for a second.” The doctor took her coat and hung it on the hook.

  She slammed the door open and jumped on the couch: “That’s the difference between reality and the dream, you see? In the dream, he never knew. And in reality, he did.”

  “Eeva. Please. Can we first go over the recent events and try to evaluate them within the frame of—”

  “Proven science? Fuck that! This is it dude! The proof we needed. It is what life would have been with Mom. Now are we challenging shit or are we not?”

  “I… I agreed to ignore a minor detail last time. But now, you’re asking me to believe in… fairy tales. This is simply not possible.”

  “Damn! Why do you have to be such a dork. As I told you, I was doing some thinking in the tram. I sort of guessed you were going to be difficult. You want final proof? I can point it to you, but you’ll have to get it yourself.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Remember Timo Whatshisname? I bet you can find him, call him as my doctor and get him to tell you what you already know because Dream-Dad told us.”

  The doctor couldn’t help the hint of a smile to show on his face. “All right. Good idea. That should settle it.”

  Half-an-hour of internet cross-referencing later, they called the only lawyer whose first name was Timo and that matched other criteria such as “living in town 15 years ago” and “aged between 38 and 55”. The doctor was already looking grim as the phone was ringing. It only got worse as the conversation unfolded.

  “Mr Holappa, I am sorry to find myself calling you in the evening hours, but I figured it was better than bothering you during your working time. I am Doctor Astikainen, and following a patient called Miss Roivas. Does that name sound familiar to you?” The doctor’s brow sprouted two creases as listened to the reply. “If I may interrupt, Mr Holappa. It is not Olga Roivas that I am referring to, but her daughter Eeva Roivas.” Brow-creasing increased significantly. “I am fully aware that she cannot be related to you. She knows full well that her mother was already pregnant when she met you. I only called to check if you were aware of it as well. I will not bother you any longer. – No, she is not planning to press charges against you in any way. – Yes, everything is very fine. – Good evening, Mr Holappa.” He hung up, brow way over-creased.

  “Well, maybe I should!”

  The doctor’s hand still laid on the phone, his gaze lost in the background.

  “Press charges, I mean. What an asshole! That’s the one Mom wanted? When she’d been with the cool one for two years?”

  The doctor stayed still, giving no hint he heard anything she said. His lower lip was hanging a bit.

  “Did you notice, he had forgotten Mom was dead? Like, he must have known, right? They must have had friends in common.”

  The doctor stood up and wordlessly crossed the room to the little dependency in the back of the office, where he kept a microwave and a coffee maker. Eeva felt a bit weirded out. He was so polite normally.

  He stayed holed up in there for ten minutes before walking back in, a steaming cup in his hand. He didn’t even glance her way and started pacing the room. After another minute, he looked up at her and seemed to come back to his senses: “Sorry, did you want one?”

  * * *

  They were now at his desk, each holding a steaming mug. It was late. The doctor had called Grandma to excuse Eeva, then he’d called his home to excuse himself.. They had all the time in the world. And Eeva knew exactly what to do with it. The dream world wasn’t a dream world at all. It was just as real as this one. Hell, it might even be more real! What says she wasn’t living the dream here and that her real life was on the other side? In any case, she was gonna go there and fucking spend time with her father.

  “I wanna go back in and talk to Dad.”

  “Well…”

  Was he going to try and block her again? “What more proof do you want?”

  “Eeva…” She clenched her teeth. He saw it. His features shifted slightly. “You’re missing the point. Of course I’ll send you back. If only to help me gather more information on this incredible phenomenon. But, before I do, don’t we… don’t you need to consider the implications of your recent discovery on the situation with the one we suspect is your father?”

  “You mean… Reality-Dad?”

  “According to you, he’s the same person as the rather pleasant gentleman from your dream.”

  “Yeah. He knows something that Dream-Dad doesn’t. He recognised me when we met, I told you. Even before I said anything.”

  “If he knew you, why do you think he stayed away when your mother died? In the dream, he seemed more than ready to claim you.”

  “I have been thinking of that. I don’t know. Maybe she was keeping him away. Or maybe when she was killed, he was in another country, or he was in a situation where he couldn’t take custody. Like he was in debt with the Mafia or something. And when he had it all fixed and became successful, many years had passed and he was ashamed. So he ran when I confronted him. Or something like that, I’m not 100% positive about it.

  “Oh…” The doctor raised his gaze a couple of degrees, “I hadn’t thought of it this way…” he locked on her again, “But there is a much simpler explanation. I think you haven’t considered it because it would hurt you too much.”

  Eeva froze. Was that why he was pacing like a maniac before? What was he talking about?

  “You really don’t realise…”

  “What is it?”

  “I don’t know how to bring this…”

  “Spit it out already!”

  The doctor’s furrowed brow locked into place. “What is the point of difference between your dream and reality?”

  “That Dream-Dad isn’t afraid of me.”

  “Or, as we suspect, that he doesn’t know you.”

  “Right. And?”

  “And? It is not the only difference. There’s another one.”

  Eeva gave him a long stare. “Mom is alive. I don’t see the link.”

  “The link is that those two seemingly unrelated facts are the only two differences we noticed between the dream and reality. That I have to spell it out to you demonstrates well the state of denial you’re in. The two facts might not be unrelated at all. One might be the consequence of the other. The only actual difference between dream and reality is that, in reality, your father found out about you when you were five.”

  Eeva was pissed. And? And he killed her mother? What nonsense! He could have just gone to court. No, not after five years. He would have never gotten custody. Especially if he was a struggling artist. But still. Kill her? Why would he do something like that? If he was the jealous type, he would have killed her when she dumped him for the lawyer. And he didn’t. So it had to be to get his daught
er back. But by killing her, he wasn’t doing that at all. In fact, he was giving up any chance of getting her back. Maybe he thought he had no chance at all… But… It still didn’t make any sense! It would only make an orphan out of her. That would be really stupid. What was he accomplishing by making sure she grew up without her Mom?

  This was worst than getting your Mom shot dead and never knowing your dad.

  Of course!

  “You think he killed her because it was the only way he could save me from her!”

  “The way the dream is set up clearly points that way.”

  “This… is… bullshit…”

  “He ran because you greeted him with rather a lot of hostility. He thought you knew and you had come to turn him in.”

  “Shit.”

  “He might even have been planning for this moment ever since he did it. He might very well have stashed resources abroad to facilitate his escape if he ever needed…” The doctor rambled on about possible possibilities. She lost track. She soon felt his hand slide under her armpit and she let herself be led to that faithful couch where she soon felt the weight of that trusted blanket, and of a thousand fears unlocking. That was it.

  * * *

  Eeva was five years old. The TV was on, and she was watching. She didn’t exactly know what the happy people on-screen were all about, but they were happy, and Mom liked them, so she liked them too. The happy people were doing the funny thing with the weight-loss device that she never understood. She wanted to ask Mom, but Mom was in the kitchen, with the cocktail machine. It wasn’t the right time to ask.

  Suddenly, she saw the outside door open. She hadn’t heard the key turn in the lock or the handle turning, which was a bit odd. A man was there that was closing the door very slowly. Like he was afraid of breaking it.

  Eeva was a bit scared. She didn’t recognise the man, but she never recognised most adults. They just all looked the same to her. She only knew the man at the shop. She didn’t like him at all and hid behind Mom whenever they went shopping there. Maybe this was one of Mom’s friends. They never came often enough for her to remember one of them. Mom would be happy to know one of them was here. She was about to call her, but the man was looking at Eeva with a finger resting on his lips. She knew it meant she wasn’t supposed to make any noise. He silently tip-toed towards her looking like a fool. This was fun! Eeva sealed her mouth with both hands and tried to muffle her chuckle.

  When he passed in front of the kitchen, he slowed down even more, looked quickly, but didn’t go in. He kept walking towards her. Soon he was kneeling down in front of her, and he had taken her hands into his. She looked up his face and saw he was crying. But his mouth was smiling so much it made him look really silly. He took her hand up to his lips. She resisted a bit, thinking he might bite, but he just kissed her hand, and then the other one. Then he leaned forward and whispered in her ear. He said: “You cannot tell anyone you saw me. Alright? It is super-secret. You really really must forget me. Alright?” And he backed away and waited for her answer. She nodded frantically. She’d never tell anyone! Ever ever! His smile broadened even more, and he stood up, still walking without a noise. He walked into the kitchen, where Mom was. She heard a big slamming bang. And then, the man came out of the kitchen, walking very quickly, not bothering about making noise. He didn’t even look at her. He slammed the door shut behind him.

  “Mom?”

  * * *

  Eeva woke up on the doctor’s couch. He had pulled a mattress from somewhere and was sleeping on it, all dressed up. She tried to put the blanket on him, but that woke him up. Soon they were in the cafe downstairs, having breakfast.

  “I’ve remembered some things from ten years ago. When my Mom was killed, I actually saw the killer.”

  The doctor turned his expressionless ‘I’m listening’ gaze to her.

  “He talked to me before doing it. He told me that I couldn’t tell anyone about him, that it was a secret. He made me swear. Must have been a hypnotist himself, because it really worked. I forgot all about it. It’s only now that…”

  “A classic. The suggestion was carved into you by the trauma of seeing your mother dead. Hypnosis is not needed. It’s a pretty common symptom of post-traumatic disorder. Victims have no memory, or redacted memories of the events leading to the trauma. Pre-trauma external suggestion would have a lot of influence on a victim. A well-studied disorder. He probably just read about it on the internet.”

  “Really? Why didn’t the cops think of that?”

  “Well, they had no reason to doubt your account. The phenomenon is mostly accidental. Few people actually know about it. But it is probably true in your case. It incidentally very well explains the faceless killer from your nightmares.”

  “So we got it. We know why he ran. We know who killed Mom.”

  She kept her eyes on the table. He fell silent for a full minute. No doubt giving her his favourite non-expression. Coffee was cooling down. She finally raised a helpless gaze on him. “I don’t fucking know what to do!”

  Her eyes filled with tears. She’d found the killer. She’d been dreaming of it for so long. If she’d turn him in, they would find him for sure, wherever he was hiding. She’d go to court, and testify against him. She’d probably have a good case. The doctor would explain them about the post-traumatic-suggestion. He’d get locked up for a long time. Her dad. Fuck!

  And what? He’d given her ten years of being an orphan and having nightmares in a world where every other kid had a mom, and a dad, and had dreams that were not populated with faceless killers and memories of a forever lost happiness.

  But if he hadn’t… She knew now what life with Mom would have turned out to be. He’d turned a life in hell into a mere purgatory. Maybe not a whole life. Maybe only ten years. Maybe she didn’t need to be an orphan anymore… Maybe if she found him and talked to him…

  Maybe they could be a family… Maybe they could fake him finding her after fifteen years. Come up with a credible reason. Live together. Have a dad… The police wouldn’t even look if nobody tipped them off. Could he be persuaded of trying something like that?

  The doctor interrupted her train of thoughts:“You don’t have to decide anything today. Get some rest. It will all be clearer tomorrow. Or the day after. Or next week. There really is no rush.”

  “But I can’t! I need to talk to him. For real.”

  “That might not be possible at all. He had 10 years to prepare for this day. If he doesn’t want to be found, you might never manage to find him.”

  Unless she turned him in. The police would definitely have a way to find him. If he left the country, they would at least be able to tell where to. And when they found him, she might be able to cancel everything and he wouldn’t go to court. Would that work? Maybe the doctor would know. Maybe he would diagnose her insane for thinking along those lines.

  “The police would find him.”

  “They might… But if they do, he will be prosecuted, whether you’re incriminating him or not.” Was he reading minds too? “Only by retracting your account, by confessing that you made it up, he might be able to walk out of it free. But then, it is likely that the police would sue you for wasting their time.”

  “They’d do that?”

  “Oh yes. You would have been using them as a free investigation service. They don’t take kindly to that.”

  “A private investigator! That’s it!”

  That had to be a really silly idea. Did private investigators even exist outside of movies? But the doctor raised his gaze a little, evaluating. He was really awesome for that. He always took her seriously.

  “It would be a very expensive option.”

  “Do you think I have any chance of finding him on my own?”

  The doctor was looking hard at the table. Like he was embarrassed or something.

  “It is likely enough that he has left the country. Finding him might involve a lot of travel. And, at your age
, it would be dangerous to travel alone…”

  “You kidding me? I got no problem catching a plane or a train! What other choice do I have? Sit here on my ass and wonder?”

  “I really recommend against it. But if you’re going to ignore my warning, I promise to help you the best I can from here.”

  “Thanks.” she said. And, the way it felt in her mouth, she knew that it was the first time she was thanking him for anything. That didn’t feel right. He had done so much for her. She should be hugging him or something. Though that would feel way awkward. He was as unaffected as ever behind his glasses. She let it roll.

  “You don’t even know where to head to, do you?” he said.

  “I soon will. There are some things that he doesn’t know I have access to. Hypnosis works over the phone, right?”

  THE END

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